How to Get Married Immediately

It’s so easy.

Marriage is something that many people want, because they’re idiots who like to suffer. Because legal matrimony is widely desired, some believe it is difficult to achieve. Wrong again, dummies!

Marrying is the easiest. Here’s how to begin:

Step One: Find someone else who likes to suffer.

Go to your local bar or grocery store or medical spa, ideally while you’re in heat. Look around at the available virile mates, sipping their whiskeys or selecting their rug-and-room deodorizers or having their genitals chemically exfoliated. Who looks satisfied, relaxed, unhurried, self-possessed? Cut a wide swath around them, they are not marriage-able. Who looks jittery, anxious, paranoid, half-conscious, confused? Sidle up to these humans, for they are exactly the long-suffering types who crave marital companionship and all of the sadomasochistic hedge mazes it entails.

One good opening line is “I am seeing that you enjoy to suffer. I also savor the struggle, which is certainly 100% real.” Another good opener is “Do you have the time? If so, let’s go to where you live for mating now immediately, and suffer afterwards for this bad choice of ours, possibly even forever.”

Step Two: Have more sex than you can stand.

In order to “seal the deal,” be sure to have the most sex ever, around the clock, with energy and gusto. One good thing to say during sex is, “This sex is the dirtiest. This is the good filthiness I crave, yes!” Another good thing to say while sexing is, “I am on top now, the boss of you. As I sex you, accept that you will be my little bitch boy forever and ever and eh, eh, ehhhh...” (Crescendo rapido, con brio.)

When you are not actively sexing, rave about how good the sex is while eating aged meats and cheeses in the bed, naked. Important: Fight the temptation to make jokes about “aged meat.” Save some suffering for later.

(This period of less-than-enough suffering will not last long, don’t worry. Soon the sweet nectar of lifelong suffering will be yours!)

Step Three: Engage in witty banter.

Because you two are intimately entangled, you might think this is a good time to discuss the particulars of your boring past. Wrong! You’ll probably want to tell your new lover about your ex, who was great at first but then became less attractive as time went by. Very bad idea!

Too many weighty words now and you’ll be single forever. Instead, keep your future spouse off-balance with a flurry of flattery, followed by insults. Alternate mocking and sarcasm with fawning and obsequiousness. Tease! And then pout, then simper. Roll your eyes and then giggle.  This is called “foreplay.” It also offers a sexy preview of the suffering to come!

Unnngh, suffering. Get here sooner!

Step Four: Look for signs of growing insecurity.

By now, your future lifelong mate should be fully jacked into your sexing-aged-cheeses-bewilderment matrix. Good! But is he nervous about his sexual performances? Is he sensitive about his exfoliation habits? Does he get prickly when you say his dick is not your favorite one in the world, in fact, it is only your fourth favorite? (For best results, say this while “sleeping” or write it in your diary, then leave it open on the middle of his desk.)

These words will worry your mate. As a very wise man once said, “Worry is the meat of marriageability.”

If he seems less worried than he should be, flash a bit of side jug at the local firehouse, or wear some ass pants to the Trader Joe’s, where the suffering husbands go to drown their sorrows in tiny sample cups of chicken tamale. Say confusing things like “I wish you were less tall,” or “Were you embarrassed by your flat feet as a child?” or “The death of the sun will come as some relief to you, at least.” This is called “bewitching” him.

Once your mate seems unnerved and jittery, and his ears prick up only when he hears the sound of your voice, you are ready to wed!

 Step Five: Lock him up.

Now it’s time to draw up the legally binding contracts. But first, bring him to your friend’s wedding. Flirt with the groom, who is already probably suffering and is therefore deeply sexuable. Once your future husband is panicking visibly, say, “Let’s do mating in the bathroom.” At the moment of climax, whisper, “We should also get to marrying, it looks like sexy carefree fun times, yes?”

Your spouse will buy a ring soon after, mark my words. But when he gets down on a single knee in the town square, cover your mouth with one hand, but not to express, “My dreams have come true!” but, “Oh dear, how can I say no in front of all these people?”

That single minute of raw panic, when your future mate believes that you will reject him in front of hundreds of his lifelong frenemies, will buy you a solid decade of extra suffering. Congrats, you guys!

Step Six: Let the suffering begin!

Don’t wait until the wedding! Premarital suffering can be yours by poisoning your fiancé’s mind against his own family. Or get pregnant, then mention that genetic testing is for heathens. Tell him about all of the STDs you picked up in Latvia. Sing the praises of “radical honesty,” then admit that his dick is only your seventeenth favorite.

This is just a tiny sample cup of the suffering to come. Welcome to your new life, marrieds! May your days be long and grueling and your nights be even longer and exponentially more grueling. This is called “living the dream.” Enjoy!

(Lacrimoso e impetuoso al fine.)

Crave more suffering? Write to askmolly at!

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