12 Stages of (Hetero?)Sexual Development

It gets better. And worse.

1. Han Solo

Primitive swagger + negging + zero foreplay. Lots of preverbal “conversations” that drop off a cliff into an abyss of confusion and insecurity. Kinda hot anyway. Sometimes you think you should’ve gone for Luke instead. (You’re right.)

2. Lloyd Dobler

Tender devotion + premature ejaculation. Big bouquets of red roses and lots of Peter Gabriel. Why do the roses always have to be red? He makes everything better, but it’s boring. All that kickboxing gives him a nice ass, but he gives it up in college. Matures into a grumpy guy with stray ear hairs and a nice collection of vinyl.  

3. Prince

The birth of your dirty mind. Bends the laws of time and space using only his tongue. Foreplay turns out to be less like tuning a guitar, more like whipping up an incredible meal that you never want to end. He’s also fucking five to eight other people but he’s very honest about it.

4. Brad Pitt in “Thelma & Louise”

Never underestimate the power of good old robotic stranger fucking, usually to a 4/4 time signature. Perfect for any wall, closet, bathroom, shed, or dark alley. By the time you find out he listens to Huey Lewis & the News it’s pretty much run its course anyway.

5. PJ Harvey

Filthy and melodramatic, like dating a sculpture made out of a chainsaw. She’s going to lick your injuries, which is disgusting but it feels really good. Some of her poems are pretty bad and she has a pet iguana that hates you. By the time you find out she dated Vincent Gallo it’s pretty much run its course anyway.

6. Stringer Bell

Quiet dominance + physical perfection. You will demean yourself repeatedly just to get him to sigh in your direction. You both know he’s better than you, but it’s almost relaxing to feel this inferior. A succulent undercurrent of malice in every kiss. Enjoy the view, it doesn’t get any better than this.

7. Kung Fu Panda

Obviously a comfy and reassuring rebound from Stringer, but you can’t advance to a higher level until you know the delights of massive, goofy animals. Clumsy paws get the job done better than you’d imagine. More agile than he looks. Represents a manchild or bear or furry phase, depending on your sensibilities.

8. Bjork

Strange high-pitched noises make you come faster. At first she kicks up bad memories of PJ, but then you realize her melodrama usually melts into whimsy and beatboxing and jumping into freezing lakes naked. Pouts a lot. A million times smarter than you. Possibly supernatural. Who knew fucking a mineral could feel this good?

9. Jon Snow

That ass. Extremely loyal but kind of a dullard. But that ass. Vulnerable. Fucking like you’ve never known, guided by the spirits of the dead. Doesn’t talk much. That ass, though.

10. Mother of Dragons

So scary. Can’t talk about it.  

11. Hot Priest

Funny, delicious, weird, charming, heavy. Guilt makes the sex even better. Unnerving to feel competitive with God, but kind of hot, too. Robes? Also hot. Crucifixes? Is this a snuff film? Who cares? His beautiful neck. You must’ve done something very good to land here. Or very bad. You’ll never get over him so you might as well stay and take your punishment.

12. Prince’s Ghost

Sex that’s like eating an incredible imaginary meal that you never want to end. Maybe you’re just masturbating, it’s hard to tell. It works, whatever it is. It strengthens you instead of depleting you. Every stroke makes you more powerful. You are one with the universe. He’s also fucking five to eight million other people but he’s very honest about it.

This week Polly wrote about the joys and perils of having a nemesis. We all need one, until we don’t. Then we do again. Just don’t pick a nemesis who’s much younger than you, that’s just masochistic. Better yet, just supplicate yourself. Remember what Stringer taught you? Inferiority is hot. It’s the new superiority. Bend to the will of the universe, then lick its injuries. May Prince be with you.