5 Tips For Looking Younger-ish
What’s better than looking like you were born literally yesterday? Literally nothing.
This morning, I wanted to write about the existential uncertainty inherent to contemplating the exponential increase in global warming caused by methane released when the permafrost melts. But an editor in my In Box would like me to write about “tips for staying youthful past the age of 40” instead.
So here we go!
1. Denim Maternity Diapers
Perhaps you’ve tried on some youthful jean shorts styles at the local “Herman Melville” (a boutique the youngs just love!) and found them not only restrictive and binding to the point of causing permanent injury, but also not so sexy. No worries, “bro”!
Take an old pair of your softest maternity jeans, the ones with the large stretchy swaddling for your protuberant belly at the top, and cut them very short, then cut them even shorter, then cut them so short that you’re likely to be ticketed on the street for wearing them. Now put them on. See how that swath of stretchy fabric that goes up to your bellybutton obviates the need for what those geriatric self-obsessed Boomers long-ago referred to as “abs”? Now make sure the bottoms of your ass cheeks are either peeking out the bottom of your shorts (Peekaboo!) or are fully exposed to the elements (“Helloooo?” as the kids say).
Welcome to the land of the youngs! “What’s next?” you’re probably thinking, “Am I going to make an Instagram story and start vaping while I’m at it?”
2. Make an Instagram story and start vaping while you’re at it.
There’s no way to feel or look or act or off-gas youngness or “youth” (as the youngs are calling it) without sucking on some strawberry-flavored oil via a vape pen, and then taking a video of yourself sucking on it and posting it to your Instagram story, which is this bad video portion of Instagram that pops up whenever you’re just trying to take a closer look at how badly your best frenemy from high school is aging these days.
You see, a vape pen looks exactly like a pen except it is glass or metal and it glows, in other words it looks just like a crack pipe (but never say the word “crack” unless you’re talking about which part of your ass is saying “Peekaboo!” out the back of your Denim Maternity Diapers rn) (rn = “right now” or “ratchet natties,” which we’ll get to in a sec) (“a sec” = how the youngs say “in a second or a minute,” but it’s their choice how long it actually takes, sometimes it means a few hours tbh) (tbh = “to be honed or perfected later”).
But what has the smokeshop dude given you, to put into your vape pen? Sure, it’s called “Strawberry Shortbreak” or “SpongeBob SquareCakes” or something like that, and it smells just like strawberry cotton candy. But. Is it actually oil made from tobacco leaves or is it “Mary Jane” oil (as the kids are calling it now) or is it some other plant like poppies (Isn’t that “heroin”?) or the lavender one that isn’t lavender (Didn’t that put people into “comas” at some point?) or is it “Oxycontin” (Do they crush up the pills and make oil from them?)???? Unfortunately, you don’t know because you were too embarrassed about “sounding old” in front of the smokeshop dude with the “ratchet natties” to ask.
Luckily, the real answer is: Just chill. If this shit could kill you, wouldn’t you, of all people, be dead by now? And look around. Everyone who’s doozing it (i.e. doing it) looks young af (af = “and fuckable”). Just think of all the times you’ve said “Give me whatever he’s smoking!” in order to make a fun joke about an overly enthusiastic younger human you encountered. Why, it’s practically your mantra! And look, now you’re smoking whatever it is! All of your dreams are coming true!
Plus, you look extra fly sucking on that crack I mean vape pen. “But what about these wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes?” you ask. “These don’t go with my crack I mean vape pipe pen.”
3. Make a Homemade Facial Mask
All you’ll need is two or three pig placentas. Stick those in the blender with 1 cup of coconut water and the juice of el limón (That’s a lime, not a lemon! Speaking Spanglish is very dope, which means that when you do it, you sound as cool as a young who’s high on “sativa” [which is the oil they make from Stevia packets]). Blend that shit up and glob it onto your old face while you’re lying down. 27 hours later, voila! Zero wrinkles, zero dark circles, and you just got 27 hours of sleep, beeeeeeeeeeeeatch!
4. Port-holio Jean Fashion
One thing that will make you look younger-ishy and super fashion (that means “fashionable” and also “exactly as grammatically confused as a young”) is special homemade Port-holio Jeans. First, take a pair of jeans that doesn’t fit you at all anymore. Next, paint something on the back pocket, usually something sweet and pretty like a sunset or a flower, and not something edgy like a skull or a pair of really good tweezers, which will only make you look like some kind of Boomer who made a billion dollars and then joined a motorcycle gang after watching too many episodes of that Boomer show “Sons of Anarchy.” (Seriously, that show is like “The Waltons” except with massive gun shoot outs where the bickering over pregnant cows at the dinner table should go.)
Here’s the fun part: Cut a giant porthole in the upper part of your jeans leg, so that the front of your thigh is showing but it looks 1/3 as thicc (this is the new sexy word for “extra largeish-y”). Then cut a giant porthole in the lower part of the leg, so that the front of your shin is showing but it looks slender and short as the fetlock of a small goat. Now, thanks to your new Portholio Jeans, you appear to have four legs, all of them skinny and foreshortened like toddler legs!
You look so exquisitely baby-like af!
5. Sippy Cup Latte
And now, for the crowning touch (or “the cheersing at the end of the tl;dr irl speaking” as the youngs say): Pour your morning latte into a plastic sippy cup, preferably one with three tiny holes at the mouth so the latte can only drip through three teensy drips at a time. Not only does that sippy cup in your hand immediately shave 35-43 years off your age, but you also have to suck very hard to get any nourishing caffeine out, and that will tone your saggy neck and tighten up your slack jaw every time you take a swig (or catheterize it, as the youngs say).
Plus – big-time bonus! – that scalding liquid will release the endocrine disruptors in your pre-BPA-free sippy cup, and all of those evil toxins will activate all of the antioxidants and free radicals and stem cells and foreshortened telomeres in your body to fight against them! I know, science is more confusing than ever when your brain barely works anymore. Just imagine that scene in The Hobbit where all of the different armies fight each other at once. The orcs are your antioxidants, and the dwarves are your foreshortened telomeres, etc, etc. It’s just like that, except instead of receiving a hero’s welcome when you return to your down-to-earth, deeply unsexy friends in the Shire, you’ll just look a barely-perceptible tinge younger-ish-esque af!
What is better than appearing to have been born a couple of years later than the year when you were actually born? What is better than seeming more similar to the very dumb stupid ignorant idiot children running about shrieking and cheersing and passing each other bacterial and viral infections via bodily fluids, back and forth and back and forth again? What is more pleasing and delightful and sexier (except for the actual having-sex part) than looking like a much less ancient human, one who has zero arthritic limbs and zero long-term-memory-related issues and probably loves to have the sex, even - sometimes, occasionally? (Don’t worry, you don’t have to actually do that part.)
Nothing, that’s what. Literally nothing is better, literally anywhere, ever. (This is a fun catchphrase the youngs use, which translates roughly as “Figuratively speaking, not much is better, but then, everything is pretty much shit rn. I don’t even know anymore tbh. Have you seen my vape pen?”).
But when will shit get better? Write to askmolly at protonmail.com and find out!