Dear Aliens: Earthlings Are Stupid

And heartless. And murderous. And very stupid.

Dear Aliens,

It must be frustrating to observe the inhabitants of Earth from a distance, learning about our behavioral tics and sexual fetishes from afar, barring the occasional abduction. So I thought I’d explain a few common items to you directly.

This is a toothbrush. Earthling humans use this to whisk Earthling microbes out of their mouths. This is basically a murder weapon. You can tell from the fact that the bristles on this weapon are mashed down that the Earthling human who uses it is a little bit high strung. That means she has a nervous temperament and is also a tiny bit angry, which would explain why she murders Earthling microbes with such zeal.

The beings of Earth really don’t get along very well. Strangely though…

…almost as soon as trillions of microbe buddies have been slaughtered, many Earthling humans import more of them into their bodies. These Earthling microbes are marketed to very stupid female Earthling humans (that’s me!). (Many Earthling humans are too stupid to know whether or not they should buy something unless their demographic is helpfully identified on the package.)

Each capsule inside this jar is jammed full of Earthling microbes. It’s almost like they’re on a bus to Coachella: They’re packed together, the air is dry, and they can’t wait to drink a nourishing beer and listen to some Maroon 5 because they’re idiots.

If they’re lucky, they’re ingested with a nice fruit smoothie, which would be like deboarding their bus and then swimming through a sea of hamburgers to get to the concert. If they’re unlucky, they’re ingested with a tumbler of Gallo box wine, which would be like swimming through a sea of acid to get to the concert.

Also, there is no concert.

Earthling humans are heartless. You’ll see more evidence of this the more you open your big buggy saucer alien eyes to look for it. (Sorry if that sounds unfair or presumptuous, we’re too dumb to know a thing about you, but we pretend we know everything about you anyway. You’ll notice this is not an uncommon stance on Planet Earth.)

This is a weapon of mass destruction, aimed at murdering billions of Earthling microbes in one fell swoop. I want to assure you that I didn’t buy this item. An Australian Earthling human purchased it, possibly because she got paranoid about how many Earthling microbes might be squatting in my upstairs bathroom. So she murdered them all. Now you’ll think that’s an Australian Earthling human thing, but most Earthling humans are like that.

I’m not even sure what you do with this spray. Spray it randomly into the air and then watch Earthling microbes fall from the sky like birds? Personally, I try to peacefully coexist with my microbe buddies. I try to ignore them. But every now and then they harsh my mellow and then I kill a bunch of them. I’m only human. (That’s something Earthling humans say to excuse their foulest fuck ups and intentional acts of cruelty alike.)

Does it sound like I’m Earth-splaining to you? I hope that’s not already something you’ve come across, to the point where whenever Earthling humans open their big mouths, you’re already rolling your gigantic watery alien eyes – sorry, your vision apparatuses, whatever they may be – and you can’t even listen.

Look, I’m just trying to be of service. All I ask in return is a tanker truck full of pressed kiwi juice. Drop it on my neighbor’s house, three doors down, the one who burns trash in his backyard and walks his dog off-leash.

By the way, when you get here, I think you’ll find it much easier to take over everything and bend everyone to your will if you always keep in mind how heartless and stupid most Earthling humans are. We usually make the most heartless and stupid Earthling humans our leaders, and even when they set about destroying our natural resources and crushing Earthling human children under their clumsy flat feet, we don’t do anything. (See also: The Earthling human mantra “When you’re a star, they let you do it.”) We also let the most heartless and stupid Earthling human citizens arm themselves to the teeth, so they can randomly kill other Earthling humans whenever the mood strikes.

I know. It’s not funny. Nothing is funny anymore, honestly, so everything is funny. Or it’s not. I’m not sure anymore. I think that means our heartless stupid leaders’ heartless stupid evil plans are working.

Anyway, you can never go wrong by underestimating Earthling human intelligence. Just a helpful hint from your biggest fan!

I hope you’re having a much better day on your planet, wherever that is!

Molly