It’s a Nice Day for a White’s Wedding
Unlike most brides, I find myself tormented over who's on the guest list!
Ah, yes. This week’s Ask Polly concerns a wedding dilemma, the psychosocial puzzler of choice for the most entitled whites on the face of our hot, flat, and crowded planet. Check out this typically overwrought tidbit:
We’re all hurting now, at any rate.
I know I shouldn’t hate-read my sister’s weekly cry for help, but it’s hard to look away. I mean, do you have any idea at all how hard it is, growing up next to someone who interrupts every single mundane conversation by saying something like “Hey guys, we’re all doing our best!” or “Let’s just be honest about what we need from each other, OK?” It’s like Dude, we are choosing a fucking fish restaurant here, not rewriting the Treaty of Versailles.
Also, why does everyone always have to be in pain? Not just while they’re picking a restaurant, but also while they’re sitting on a white folding chair, minding their own goddamn business at a wedding? I mean, yes, it is a wedding, so of course everyone’s in hell. But does that hell have to include deep wells of feeling, swirling around inside each and every turgid skin-bag of stanky liquids and angry cells?
What if we don’t care about all of those liquidy feelings? And what if some people aren’t in pain, they’re just self-centered and lazy and careless?
And as long as we’re talking about pain, let’s take a minute to contemplate the countless human beings who are right at this minute suffering as a direct result of someone else’s wedding day. Think of the broke people buying plane tickets they can’t afford. Think of the pitiable bridesmaids, trying on ill-fitting bridesmaid dresses that the maid of honor picked out specifically to torture them. Think of the mother of the bride, swallowing her pride and preparing to say hello to her merciless ex and the woman he left her for. Think of the army of caterers and floral designers and event planners, completing various purgatorial tasks, just because some entitled nightmare-human somewhere believes, in their heart of hearts, that this elaborate festival of excess must be perfect, absolutely perfect, perfect in every single way, or their entire wedding day will be ruined.
So many innocent victims are dragged into the massively overpriced, late-capitalist scam of weddings, all because we live in thrall of this delusion that everyone should feel like the center of the universe for at least one day of their lives. As if actually being the center of the universe isn’t flatly exhausting.
Anyway, that’s why everyone’s in so much pain. We all crave shit that doesn’t even make us happy.
But, hey guys, we’re all doing our best!
If that’s the case, well… Try harder, fucknuts.