Quiz: What “Career” Is Best For You?
Which flavor of pointless toiling suits you the most?
Recent trends indicate that humans across the globe are securing “jobs” in order to more efficiently surrender all of the world’s resources to the richest 1% of the population.
But do you have what it takes to hold down a “job”? And if so, what sort of “career” should you pursue? Take this quiz and find out!
1. What do you like the most?
a) Analyzing worthless data
b) Sitting through pointless meetings
c) Heading up ill-considered initiatives
d) Licking the glaze off a glazed donut while staring at the wall
2. What kind of a person are you?
a) A detail-oriented overachiever
b) An enthusiastic team player
c) A natural born leader or maybe just a sociopath. Is there a difference?
d) Someone who really doesn’t like to do stuff or leave the house for any reason
3. If someone told you “Thanks for taking care of this, you did a great job!” what would you think?
a) I am valued and important.
b) I feel seen and appreciated.
c) My boss is full of shit but I’ll have his job in two years.
d) You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
4) What might be better than having a job?
a) I guess if you had a hobby that was really tedious and repetitive, that would at least be something.
b) Coaching a little league team would bring me that feeling of human connection, but it wouldn’t be nearly as amazing as scaling arbitrary hurdles until I’m dead.
c) Controlling the sun and the moon and the stars could be fun.
d) Living in a gulley eating dead birds sounds nice.
5) Who do you admire the most?
a) My boss
b) My boss’s boss
c) God’s God
d) Bartleby the Scrivener
ANSWER KEY:
If you answered with mostly As, you’re a WORKER BEE. You live to serve. You can thrive in any pointless career under the sun, but you’re most likely to flourish under extremely dull and predictable conditions where you’re left to work yourself into the ground until you become incapacitated and die. But really, what’s better than being underpaid to do the same completely worthless thing over and over again until you’re decomposing into the ground?
If you answered with mostly Bs, you’re a COLLABORATIVE ACHIEVER. You love to cooperate with a room full of serious fucking idiots on a completely worthless goal that’s guaranteed not to improve the world one iota. You can succeed at any social “job,” but you’ll be the most successful in an environment where there are lots of lobotomized fucks jabbering at the same time about shit that really couldn’t matter less in the big scheme of things.
If you answered with mostly Cs, you’re a MOGUL. You’re an independent thinker who’ll take a leadership role wherever you land, but you’ll be the happiest in positions where you’re free to crush other people’s spirits until their will to live evaporates completely. You have a unique talent for believing in your own shitty ideas, and that will pay off as mindless, power-hungry sycophants flock to you like the soulless fucks that they are.
If you answered with mostly Ds, you’re a WRITER. You don’t like to do anything but sit around at home, thinking your own thoughts. You can sit around and not do shit almost anywhere, but you’ll be the most isolated and unproductive if you marry someone with an actual “career” in the “real world.” Because your spouse “believes” in your “work,” you’ll be free to wander around your house all day, spacing out and eating snacks and also sometimes “writing.” Nothing you create will have any real value, of course, but at least you’ll never get paid for it. That would just make you feel guilty.
But whatever “career” you choose, remember that your “work” has no concrete value and your arbitrary belief in your occupation is a delusion created to trap you inside a consumerist maze while destroying the planet’s natural resources in order to benefit a tiny sliver of the population while driving you to an early grave. Good luck out there, tiger!
Did you try to write today, and fail? Write to askmolly at protonmail.com instead!
Jesus, Molly. 8 in the morning, I'm at my desk, hungover, if I do anything at all today it will be analyzing worthless data, earlier this week I felt seen and appreciated, and you're telling me I'm a writer? At least I was sitting down.