Wave of Mutilation
Cows are being cut up again. But don't worry, there's a simple explanation!
|Heather Havrilesky||Sep 1, 2019|| 9||3|
Cattle mutilations are happening again, just like they did back in the 1970s.
But don’t worry, everybody. This is just a sign that Jeff Bezos has come back from the future on another planet to harvest stem cells from cows so he can grow more delicious lab meats for His People.
“Adapting my delivery drones for the purpose of harvesting cow stem cells from the year 2019 on Planet Earth was easier than I thought it would be,” Jeff tells Lauren, his life partner and BFF, as they eat their delicious lab-grown steak tartare in their Moon Orb, the tall tower with the clear bubble roof over it where they like to dine at “night.” (Night lasts a year on Planet Bezos, so Bezos controls “night” and “day” based on his whims using his Global Alexa unit.)
“I knew I’d love steak tartare, but I was always afraid of eating it before it was genetically engineered not to host any e. coli,” Lauren tells Jeff.
“Cows are even tastier when you harvest them from the year 1975 on Planet Earth, but they have more e. coli and you had to deal with that in the lab,” Jeff said, reaching for Lauren’s hand. Talking about cattle mutilations always makes Jeff so hot.
Jeff’s hands are always so clammy, Lauren thinks, and it’s almost like MacKenzie is whispering this thought directly into her ear, even though Mackenzie died decades ago in The Big Storm back on Planet Earth.
“Life is better on Planet Bezos!” Jeff practically shouts. Lauren obediently gazes out over the “people” of Planet Bezos, who are milling about, harvesting rats on the veldt below.
They all look a lot like Jeff, Lauren thinks. But of course they do. They were engineered from Jeff’s stem cells, weren’t they?
“Life is better on Planet Bezos!” Jeff shouts again, then takes another swig of his Zima.
“Remember how you always used to say that, back on Planet Earth, before Planet Bezos even existed, when we were just fucking in the back of your Tesla every few nights?” Lauren asks.
Maybe that was too mean to say out loud, Lauren thinks. So Lauren laughs to show that she’s joking. “Hahaha. HaHAHAHA!”
“It was super romantic back on Earth,” Jeff says. “All of those people and their sad little houses. They were cute, though. All of those people. All of their weird strip malls and their pets and their bad clothes. All of their germs.”
“Yeah,” Lauren says. She’s thinking about her cat Pinky again.
“But now it’s better because I’m the supreme leader of everything!” Jeff shouts.
“You were kind of the supreme leader before, it’s just that no one realized it,” Lauren says in her best kitten-purr voice.
“Especially not MacKenzie!” Jeff laughs an open-mouthed laugh. “That’s why I had to use my delivery drones to travel through time and harvest stem cells from MacKenzie’s body on Planet Earth in the year 2007 and that’s why I grew you in a lab using those cells and then traveled back to Planet Earth in the year 1969, where you were “born” and became a news anchor in Phoenix and then gained all of the good skills a supreme leader’s lover and life partner should have, that MacKenzie never really had, except you also have MacKenzie’s raw intelligence and her hotness. Except you have a much better attitude, because you had to develop a good attitude, as a news anchor. You had to learn to fake it. And after MacKenzie got all imperious and wanted credit for the stuff she invented and got all pissy about it and said she couldn’t respect me anymore, because I wasn’t even as smart as her, which she finally realized, and I was a total fucking dick to boot, and that’s why she didn’t want to fuck me, ever, and she couldn’t fake it anymore? That’s when I realized that I needed a woman who could fake it. I’m not stupid!”
“No, you’re not stupid, Jeff! HahahaHAHAHA! You’re NOT stupid!” Lauren is laughing but tears are leaking out of her eyes for some reason. Jeff is still eating and talking and laughing with his mouth wide open so she can see the lab-grown steak tartare between his teeth.
Lauren looks down at the bald heads of the “people” of Planet Bezos. He should grow them some hair in his lab, she thinks. “Have you thought about growing them some hair, in your lab?” she asks Jeff.
Jeff doesn’t even look up, but his face turns sour.
“Alexa? Sunrise. Dinner is over.”
Aren’t we going to sleep? Lauren thinks. Pinky loved to cuddle at night. Pinky loved sleep.
No, I’m sure cattle mutilations and Jeff Bezos’s uncanny resemblance to an alien have nothing to do with each other. I’m sure Lauren Sanchez was not grown from MacKenzie Bezos’s stem cells. Besides, Lauren Sanchez and MacKenzie Bezos can’t help the way Jeff Bezos is. They can’t help that he’s building a rocket ship to another planet instead of saving this one. They can’t do a thing. No one can do a thing. All we can do is order more stuff.