I think I’ve accomplished a lot with this microbiome so far this year. Thing one: I am still alive and so, too, is the teeming universe of microbial bitch boys living under my skin. Thing two: I have not lost my fucking doughnuts entirely. Miraculous! But today? Fuck everything. Fuck every single fucking thing under the sun and fuck everybody while we’re at it.
Have I missed anything that needs to go fuck itself? Please let me know. Let’s be thorough, this is important.
Man, I keep having dumbass dreams about my first boyfriend. At first the dreams were about us getting back together, which I mean, ew. But then, in my dreams we made amends, and we were friends and business partners. Then, he wanted to introduce me to his friend, which was interested in being a 3rd business partner. Turns out, it was just another version of himself. I don't hate the guy, I have no idea what he's up to in life, and we literally have not talked since we left high school in the 2000's, but I'll be damned if I don't dream about him a few times a week.
Eventually, you'll move to a new country to escape your bad business deal, only to discover that the entire country is populated by different versions of your exboyfriend.
Ashes....Fuck old boyfriends who keep haunting you in your sleep. I dreamed about my ex-boyfriend for over 30 years!!! It was driving me nuts!!! I even went to therapy to try and figure this out. It wasn't until I started to paint again, something I had stopped doing when we were together, that the dreams stopped. It's like one day I realized I hadn't dreamed about him for weeks. Is there something you used to do that you are missing now? Not the person, but something else?
Is this a pandemic thing? Seriously, mine keeps showing up in dreams...a waiter in a restaurant, a dude on the street... every few nights, there he is.
Here too! Except it's not just ONE boyfriend, it's ALL of them.
Fuck this obsession with half-grown men. I fucking wish I was told what the teenagers are being told these days, yes you fucking can and should date yourself! You fucking should marry yourself. These boys should let the grown-ups handle things without them. They can't even brush their teeth without assistance. The only space they deserve is at the kids' table where they can get messy with their bibs on (and certainly not in any grown-ass person's bed).
Hi Amy, Wordnerdtown loves you! aka Eng is not my first language and I don’t cultivate respect for how it’s been spoken before the time of my reign began
FUCK the wildfires!!!!! and horrible devaluation of humans that lead my state to depend so heavily on incarcerated labor to fight them. it's a crossroads of awful.
Fuck conspiracy theories and misinformation and good people falling down slick, oily slippery slopes of fact-lessness. Fuck Twitter and social media and Silicon Valley's unregulated self-righteousness that allows lies to perpetuate themselves in private platforms.
Yes yes yes. Twitter is aggressively annoying right now, and will it get better and better until November? I don't fucking think so. And what happens after that? Ugliness, no matter what. Fuck all of it.
OMG yes fuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk online dating and the lazy, entitled, ignorant fucks that are occluding the statistically possible decent people that must also be on there somewhere.
Fuck finishing grad school in the middle of a pandemic in a city you hate... fuck all your friends moving cause they all hate said city…. Fuck staying in said city cause you have no job and don’t want to bring Covid to the doorstep of your 70+ mother…. Fuck not being able to see your mother…. Fuck not being hugged since Xmas…. Fuck stupid men who waste your fucking time cause they don’t know what they want…. Fuck feeling old, behind the curve, not brilliant enough, woke enough, attractive enough, or savvy enough to fulfill any of the dreams you’ve been chasing for years…. Fuck failure and depression and the persistent feeling of doom… Fuck the feeling of wasted time… And most of all, fuck FEAR, you fucking FUCK...
I’m staring down the barrel of a gun that feels like it might be the gaping maw of this exact experience as I try to make myself start grad school in a few weeks. I know that’s not the reassurance you need, but I’m glad you shared this and I hope my writing here will help you feel less alone.
Thank you. Believe it or not, grad school actually felt grounding as all this was starting up. Having something else to focus on for blocks of time felt useful. Of course, at other times, it felt pointless and silly, but it did feel like an anchor, more times than not, if that helps at all.
fuck the intermittent paralysis I feel throughout random days. fuck UTIs and the lingering fear that I'll get one if I don't take every precaution around sex. fuck the person who yelled at me when I asked for more physical space and the several folks who've given me death stares for masking (oh, Florida). fuck the inability to access human touch and connection with friends outside of my household. fuck cutting my own hair because I tried and yeah it's butchered now. fuck the pressure my marriage is under during this pandemic that is heavily influenced by my fears of getting covid and developing another chronic pain condition. also, fuck the guilt and inferiority I fight against even when I'm given permission to vent about things that truly suck.
Fuck UTIs forever. Also get some D-Mannose, it works. Also fuck feeling bad for venting when it's fucking obvious that venting is necessary at this fucked moment.
I, too, have the constant UTI fear and hate the precautions that I have to take. D-Mannose has been helping me (for now). And I also fucked up my hair. I am with you, fuck all of this!
Fuck outdated ideas about how things should be and timelines and pushing those around you to meet these fictional milestones even when they were created loooooong before you ever even met.
At least 80% of the population is living in some creepy '60s twilight zone of obscenely regressive roles and ideas and fixations, to the extent that just showing up and being a fucking person twists their butts into a tight little knot. Fuck this backwards-ass motherfucking country.
fuck finally finding a healthy physical outlet for my breakup saddies only to have it ripped away by breaking my fucking foot and slicing my fucking finger open in the middle of what was supposed to be my hot girl summer. fuck him for leaving me mid-pandemic. fuck this town for feeling smaller than ever. fuck not being in london right now (THATWASTHEFUCKINGPLAN). fuck the gchat notification sound. fuck flakey friends. fuck loneliness. fuckfuckfuck
Damnit!! I roller skate (not in years, but did derby at one point). That would be so disappointing. I guess you have to really let that heal, too. Sorry about it, and about the sads. Well wishes for quick and solid healing (of both) to you.
Fuck being 26 and confused about careers, romance, your life trajectory and how to carry on in a pandemic. I am smart, talented and capable but everything seems out of my grasp.
I should echo that Amy Jean is right and it does surely get better mainly cause you know yourself better (and put up with less shit as a result)... but that doesn't mean you won't find yourself in similar situations later down the line. I think in my 20s I thought I would "solve" the big things and get on with my life, but as you get older you realize that certain things are always in play, always in progress... your choice is to grow along with it...
Hang on tight. Random shit aside, it gets easier and easier. Hated my 20’s, for the most part. 40’s rock 😀 You have a huge advantage in already knowing that you are smart, talented and capable. The rest is just luck, and that will come around in time.
It gets better. You still have shitty days but you learn to trust yourself. You know you are smart, talented, and capable. Now believe it. Trust yourself.
Fuck working through inherited and personal trauma while still trying to maintain an existence during a pandemic and being treated as if you're a psycho by your family for addressing said trauma. Fuck our country's two-party political system. Also fuck the giant hole in my ceiling, the leak that corroded the pipe and rotted the ceiling, and the tenant above who won't answer my landlord's phone calls because he doesn't want to get the leak fixed.
Fuck older male colleagues in academia for swooping in to direct a project that has been in progress for MONTHS that they haven't even bothered to glance at! and for speaking over women in meetings! and for then speaking over the women who try to re-include the previous woman to be spoken over! and for generally speaking to women of color like they're stupid children!
Fuck older male colleagues in academia who swoop in after a manuscript is ready for publication and hit you with a metric fuckton of patronizing bullshit about how they would have done it differently and think you should make major revisions. This isn't fucking peer review, dude. If you don't like it, then don't be on the fucking paper YOU FUCKING FUCK.
Fuck that guy. Don't be on the paper if you don't like it. HE DIDNT WRITE IT. Fuck him. And fuck the journal editors who tell you how they want you to change YOUR research to fit their journal better.
Fuckèd are the warmakers, for they shall destroy the earth. Fuckèd are those who judge, for we all do it but we don't have to be such dicks about it. Fuckèd are those who drill and frack and burn for millionaire's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of hell, and we're all fucking invited. Fuckèd are the straw men and the trolls, for they distract from what is most vital. Fuckèd are the deniers of science, for they shall dissemble. Fuckèd are those without health care, for they have been well and truly fucked by the Fuckèd who have taken it away. Fuckèd are those who fuck over others before they themselves imagine they will be fucked over. Fuckèd are the selfish shitforbrains who are so used to their privilege that they cannot bear being told "please wear a mask to benefit someone other than yourself" without imagining that they are being persecuted.
oh man! fuck the lingering veils of others' perception that make it nigh-impossible to feel like a full person. and fuck twice-over the many flavors of fear that distort the pathway out of said veils, this is taking forever~
Fuck capitalism and the seed it's planted in my brain from birth that my life belongs to the company I work for and that their profit-growth needs come before me experiencing my own human life.
Fuck having to cheerfully ghostwrite a blog post today about recent S&P 500 records for a financial advisor who is so nice and decent I can't even be that mad at him...while my lead tab on my own financial spreadsheet is titled "When Will My Money Run Out?" Also, fuck not being hugged since March 11.
SAME. Who are these creatures and what are they doing with those paired appendages? They appear to be deriving some kind of comfort or pleasure from that intertwined limb arrangement?
Fuck my stress acne, and also fuck my stupid growing-out hair because I hate it and it makes me feel like a garbage pile even though nothing matters right now and no one cares.
Fuck all the hoops my partner is having to go through to find a new job. He's hardworking AF and deserves everything in life, except when he's being annoying because we're trapped in a box, and then fuck him too.
Also fuck the entire concept of "saving the economy" instead of, I dunno, SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES.
Fuck the person that decided to yell at me the other day. I am working as an enumerator for the Census this year. We're at the point where the census has deployed workers in the field to follow-up with previously non-responsive residents. I am one of those workers. Yes, I have to try to knock on your door, and try the doorbell. No, "no soliciting" signs don't apply to me, since what I'm doing is technically government work. I understand if you don't want to answer the door for me. I will leave a paper notice at your door that indicates how you can still fill out the census online. What I do not understand is what is to be gained by coming out of your house and screaming at me just because I knocked.
Fuck that person and fuck yelling at strangers just because you're all fucked up over the state of things just like the rest of us. WE YELL AT OUR WALLS LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE. FUCK YOU.
I need you to know that this story actually got so much better. Apparently this person is a nut-job of the highest order. He attempted to sell pot to one of his neighbors on his front lawn in front of his toddler children (I'm not opposed to grass, but I live in Texas, where good Christian neighborhoods are manufactured). Neighbor reported him to the local PD and CPS, and put him on blast on the local NextDoor feed. Apparently, he has also been in trouble for stealing alcohol from local grocery stores. Ok, so maybe the story isn't demonstrably better for me or anyone else, but at least his reaction makes more sense now. I also documented my experience so other Census workers don't go to that house. I also train for powerlifting, and I know with absolute certainty that I could have bench pressed him and the look on his face suggested that he knew as well, despite the dumbshit coming out of his mouth, and that does make me feel powerful.
Fuck my boss, that bitch who sent an email at 4:00 and needs info by 4:30 but didn't respond to questions, fuck everyone in IT, fuck the CEO that wants to change the name of the new network that is on all the marketing materials...oh, thank you
Fuck unemployment one year after dragging myself through transferring and graduating from Stanford Shithead University. Fuck Congress on recess. Fuck Congress not on recess. Fuck no stimulus package. Fuck applying to hundreds of jobs and fuck being told to take whatever shitty and/or dangerous one you can get. Fuck the heaviness of it all.
Fuck the fact that I was literally you in the fall of 2008 and not a goddamn fucking thing has changed since then. And fuck the system that makes kids jump through endless hoops to get the "right" degree and then pulls out the rug 30 seconds after we've started the fragile work of becoming more than that. I hope things get better for you.
Fuck the guy who flipped me off after I changed train cars bc he wouldn't put his mask on. I just got up and walked away and later when he got off he came to my window and gave me the bird. I gave doubles back. It made me upset and anxious about covid for the rest of the day.
Fuck that fucking guy. As upset as you were, he walks around upsetting people and flipping people off everywhere he goes. Imagine being *that* fucked! But fuck him!
Fuck the little dysmorphic worm in my brain that tells me to bitch about my body to other people, inevitably reinforcing shitty cellulitic monkey brain comparisons, and fuck other people’s worms who do it right back to me.
Fuck living alone a thousand miles from your nearest fam with your mom in treatment for terminal cancer and your siblings working in healthcare so who the fuck knows when anyone is going to get together again before any buckets are kicked. Fuck people that stopped clapping for healthcare workers and gave no fucks about them being omitted from any federal relief or support. Fuck couple-privileged house-owning agoraphobs judging other people trying to have a some kind of human contact or experience. Fuck mask shamers on both sides. Fuck sides. Fuck being worried. Fuck grocery shopping. And fuck flat tires.
Fuck the newly booming aesthetic med-spa businesses burning all our cash because we now have to stare at our own fucking faces for three hours a day on Zoom (because fucking everyone turns their cameras on! every day!), and fuck how fast my face fell between 34 and 38 and how all the men I work for get to grow Covid-staches and I'm saving my freelance side-hustle money for someone to stick a needle in my face so I can remain marketable in my field after I (probably!) lose my job. While we're at it, fuck not getting a raise for 3 years because "we don't have the budget") while my emotional-manipulator woke-bro of a boss sails into a newly created position and fat fucking salary for all the work the women under him crushed with fucking cinematic aplomb. Fuck the meds rotting in my guts that don't even touch this toxic brainsoup of rage and utter fucking ennui, and fuck! anti! science! bullies! in! power! seemingly! everywhere!
Fuck the old man who finds an error in my writing (post-pub) but doesn't tell me and instead goes to my boss in a "oohh gotcha" sort of way. My boss isn't even the one who can fix it.
Fuck not really being able to do anything about Breonna Taylor and Elijah McClain because police are too powerful, and then, you know, fuck living in a police state
Fuck my call center job at a big hospital system. Fuck that we barely make a living wage for such an emotionally intense job. Fuck that because of our fucking shit healthcare system, the fact that the hospital is run like a business, insurances that don't cover anything, insane out of pocket costs, the shitty policies of the department, ETC I can't actually help patients like I wish I could. Fuck the management because I don't even need to give a reason. Fuck the CEO who already makes 6mil+ a year and is getting ready to merge the hospital system with two other giant systems, cash out, and retire. And fuck the anxiety I have from having every word I say recorded and every action I take monitored all day every day. FUCK IT ALL THANK YOU
Fuck my school board for reopening in a state with one of the highest infection rates in the nation. Fuck them for forcing teachers back into classrooms, and fuck them for having the nerve to tell us that "we're all in this together." Fuck them for deciding that three feet is enough social distancing because our classrooms are too small. Fuck them for knowing that we're going to have to go remote because the disease is going to run rampant throughout the school, and deciding to reopen anyways, for optics. Fuck them for putting teachers, students, and the community's lives at risk so they can appease the republican goons and get reelected and hold on to the pathetic bit of power they have.
I have old-testament -level rage about this. All the fire and brimstone.
Fuck being 48 on my next birthday and still believing in fairytales. Fuck the stubbornness which looks like the inability to learn from experience, and isn’t that stupid “definition of insanity” either.
Fuck moving to a new country when your 37 and having to start all over again. Fuck applying to a million jobs and getting rejected over and over again. Fuck rejection emails, and fuck their ‘good luck don’t reply to this email’ messages. Fuck them all. This will work for me! I will get a job I enjoy and that makes good money and I will make my move a success.
Fuck people who don’t hear your questions and insist on giving comprehensive, uninterruptible answers to entirely different ones. With your question left outside, a little embarrassed and confused, but also fucked off at the attention this made-up question is receiving. But you try again and they still can’t hear what you’re actually asking so embarrassment no longer an issue and anger is everything. And you’re fucking desperate for the help.
Fuck breakups, fuck prolonged move outs from shared living space, fuck the healing process which doesn’t move fast enough no matter how vital it is, fuck feeling bored in the middle of the day and realizing you have less to do now because you were spending so much fucking time caring about the feelings of some selfish asshole who could fix this if he wanted to but he just doesn’t want to.
YES!!!! The incredible stretches of time and reserves of energy when suddenly you unbuckle the chains (for they were never LOCKED, oh no, you always had a choice, right?) and float up, up, up from the intense pressure of the sea floor into light and air and WHAT I CAN FLOAT AND I COULD ALL THIS TIME? FUCK ALL THAT. I was you in October, muttering "get the fuck out of my house" at every turning. <hug>
Fuck the endoscopy I had to have, fuck the pandemic that means my needle-and-procedure-phobic self sat alone crying for an hour with a needle in my hand, waiting, because I could not have a support person with me. Fuck everyone who has ever told me it is "not a big deal" or "you'll be fine" or "stop being dramatic" or "it could be so much worse" while my brain goes into self destruct mode. Fuck the bruises on my arm. And also, fuck the loved ones who, when I tried to explain what a phobia feels like, tilted their heads and only said "well that makes no sense." No, it doesn't make sense, that is the point, if I could fucking logic my way out of this fucking primal emotional tornado I would have done so fucking years ago. And fuck the WORK that therapy takes, I just want to be fucking not a screaming thrashing panicking rabbit.
Fuck the way that depression makes you think everything is your fault. Fuck hating yourself. Fuck working too hard. Fuck anyone who takes their inner bullshit out on you. Most of all, fuck the GOP.
Fuck wasting 3 years slaving away at a company only to have them fuck you over. Fuck having to look for a job while still having a fulltime job FUCK THAT.
Fuck the expectation to have sex with someone you've met only three months ago.
Fuck the people who don't believe demisexuality is a thing.
Fuck those emotionally withholding men with whom it is impossible for me to have a goddamn connection and therefore the possibility of sexual attraction.
Fuck having to have vulnerable conversations when its agonizing but necessary for the sake of your mental health. Fuck communicating any other way but telepathically!
Fuck Scandinavian minimalism. Fuck modern architecture. Fuck emptiness. Fuck white. Fuck the smug fucks on their beige-ass blogs who think they can tell me how to decorate my space.
Fuck the people who think it's shallow to talk about the aesthetics of our lived environment.
Fuck the sunlight. Fuck the cloudlight. Fuck that bitch from HR who would always pull the blinds up and trigger my sensory sensitivities.
Fuck the senior colleague who thought I’d be down to supplement his lame ass relationship at the expense of my dignity. Fuck his girlfriend who worships his flinchy ass and thinks Harry Potter is literature. Fuck the movie star who extorted me into signing a contract because I was broke and female. Fuck this entire economy. Fuck paying six grand in taxes to this sadistic sham of a government. Fuck everything.
Fuck deeply engrained expectations unknowingly passed on between generations that fuck with your personal truth. Fuck the fact that most of us would almost rather die than show some vulnerability towards each other. Fuck the fear that keeps you trapped in your meat prison. Fuck people that shower you with advice and opinions but never take a step back to ask what it is that YOU want. Fuck paying extra for wanting almond milk with my flattie whitie. Fuck it.
Fuck the fires that plague (I refuse to apologize for this pun) California and put so many people even more at risk. Fuck the corporations and politicians who don’t see this as their own problem and their own doing. Fuck climate crisis deniers.
Fuck old bosses who treated you like shit and stared blankly as you had a panic attack. Fuck the lingering feelings, after you've left that shitpile for a great new job, that you're still not good enough or smart enough. Or smart at all. Fuck anxiety over whether you'll have to fight with family at events because you believe masks are helpful. Fuck hating the sight of your own four walls after FIVE MONTHS in this. Fuck the inability to take a breath and relax before the realization sets in that nope, the old way of living is probably in the garbage. Fuck COVID and how it's ruined everything. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
Fuck automatic, persistent and haunting thoughts about literal bullshit things that happened years ago :)
Ugh yes. Fuck never letting go of one stupid dipshitty pointless thing just because your idiot brains like clinging to the emptiest shit possible.
Man, I keep having dumbass dreams about my first boyfriend. At first the dreams were about us getting back together, which I mean, ew. But then, in my dreams we made amends, and we were friends and business partners. Then, he wanted to introduce me to his friend, which was interested in being a 3rd business partner. Turns out, it was just another version of himself. I don't hate the guy, I have no idea what he's up to in life, and we literally have not talked since we left high school in the 2000's, but I'll be damned if I don't dream about him a few times a week.
Eventually, you'll move to a new country to escape your bad business deal, only to discover that the entire country is populated by different versions of your exboyfriend.
omg, no plz, no
Ashes....Fuck old boyfriends who keep haunting you in your sleep. I dreamed about my ex-boyfriend for over 30 years!!! It was driving me nuts!!! I even went to therapy to try and figure this out. It wasn't until I started to paint again, something I had stopped doing when we were together, that the dreams stopped. It's like one day I realized I hadn't dreamed about him for weeks. Is there something you used to do that you are missing now? Not the person, but something else?
Is this a pandemic thing? Seriously, mine keeps showing up in dreams...a waiter in a restaurant, a dude on the street... every few nights, there he is.
pre-pandemic, he would be there like, twice a year. Now it is a few times per week. Thanks for your comment, I'm glad I'm not alone :)
Here too! Except it's not just ONE boyfriend, it's ALL of them.
Fuck this obsession with half-grown men. I fucking wish I was told what the teenagers are being told these days, yes you fucking can and should date yourself! You fucking should marry yourself. These boys should let the grown-ups handle things without them. They can't even brush their teeth without assistance. The only space they deserve is at the kids' table where they can get messy with their bibs on (and certainly not in any grown-ass person's bed).
Same and I have not seen him in 25+ years
Had dreams in the past few weeks with two of my big exes. YUCK.
I'm so relieved this is happening to you all too. I thought I was going nuts. Fuck dream monsters
Fuck wishywashy men and fuck their soft no’s. Fuck their “Play it by ear, might be down to hang” garbage. Truly fuck them.
Fuck wishy washy tepid MAYBE men forever ever ever ever.
Or don’t fuck them . Never fuck them . Let them never get fucked ever again because fuck them.
Fuck lukewarmth forever.
Sending love from Wordnerdtown. Lukewarmth? 😍
Hi Amy, Wordnerdtown loves you! aka Eng is not my first language and I don’t cultivate respect for how it’s been spoken before the time of my reign began
Fuck being a heterosexual woman. It's truly a curse.
Sexuality is not a choice
FUCKTHIS
FUCK the wildfires!!!!! and horrible devaluation of humans that lead my state to depend so heavily on incarcerated labor to fight them. it's a crossroads of awful.
Fuck conspiracy theories and misinformation and good people falling down slick, oily slippery slopes of fact-lessness. Fuck Twitter and social media and Silicon Valley's unregulated self-righteousness that allows lies to perpetuate themselves in private platforms.
Yes yes yes. Twitter is aggressively annoying right now, and will it get better and better until November? I don't fucking think so. And what happens after that? Ugliness, no matter what. Fuck all of it.
I’ve lost my mother and two of her best friends down a QAnon internet black hole. Fuck QAnon.
Ugh I'm so sorry. Fuck QAnon. I bet "they're" a stinky ol' cynical troll living under a bridge. Oh, fuck trolls! And fuck cynicism!
Oh yes. Fuck this to the death.
Fuck online dating and the endless auditioning for a continuous stream of strangers and fuckbois.
OMG yes fuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk online dating and the lazy, entitled, ignorant fucks that are occluding the statistically possible decent people that must also be on there somewhere.
Fuck the internet! But this is nice.
Fuck finishing grad school in the middle of a pandemic in a city you hate... fuck all your friends moving cause they all hate said city…. Fuck staying in said city cause you have no job and don’t want to bring Covid to the doorstep of your 70+ mother…. Fuck not being able to see your mother…. Fuck not being hugged since Xmas…. Fuck stupid men who waste your fucking time cause they don’t know what they want…. Fuck feeling old, behind the curve, not brilliant enough, woke enough, attractive enough, or savvy enough to fulfill any of the dreams you’ve been chasing for years…. Fuck failure and depression and the persistent feeling of doom… Fuck the feeling of wasted time… And most of all, fuck FEAR, you fucking FUCK...
Literally fuck that! Fuck that feeling of doom! Fuck fear
I’m staring down the barrel of a gun that feels like it might be the gaping maw of this exact experience as I try to make myself start grad school in a few weeks. I know that’s not the reassurance you need, but I’m glad you shared this and I hope my writing here will help you feel less alone.
Thank you. Believe it or not, grad school actually felt grounding as all this was starting up. Having something else to focus on for blocks of time felt useful. Of course, at other times, it felt pointless and silly, but it did feel like an anchor, more times than not, if that helps at all.
That does help, some. AND I just realized you commented on my "26 and fuck everything" post so hey, seems like we have some more common ground here.
fuck the intermittent paralysis I feel throughout random days. fuck UTIs and the lingering fear that I'll get one if I don't take every precaution around sex. fuck the person who yelled at me when I asked for more physical space and the several folks who've given me death stares for masking (oh, Florida). fuck the inability to access human touch and connection with friends outside of my household. fuck cutting my own hair because I tried and yeah it's butchered now. fuck the pressure my marriage is under during this pandemic that is heavily influenced by my fears of getting covid and developing another chronic pain condition. also, fuck the guilt and inferiority I fight against even when I'm given permission to vent about things that truly suck.
Fuck UTIs forever. Also get some D-Mannose, it works. Also fuck feeling bad for venting when it's fucking obvious that venting is necessary at this fucked moment.
I, too, have the constant UTI fear and hate the precautions that I have to take. D-Mannose has been helping me (for now). And I also fucked up my hair. I am with you, fuck all of this!
I hear the marital pressure / underlying conditions fucked-ness
Things truly suck, I'm glad you vented here and that guilt can fuck RIGHT off.
Fuck outdated ideas about how things should be and timelines and pushing those around you to meet these fictional milestones even when they were created loooooong before you ever even met.
At least 80% of the population is living in some creepy '60s twilight zone of obscenely regressive roles and ideas and fixations, to the extent that just showing up and being a fucking person twists their butts into a tight little knot. Fuck this backwards-ass motherfucking country.
fuck this!! fuck the expectations that come with labels!
fuck finally finding a healthy physical outlet for my breakup saddies only to have it ripped away by breaking my fucking foot and slicing my fucking finger open in the middle of what was supposed to be my hot girl summer. fuck him for leaving me mid-pandemic. fuck this town for feeling smaller than ever. fuck not being in london right now (THATWASTHEFUCKINGPLAN). fuck the gchat notification sound. fuck flakey friends. fuck loneliness. fuckfuckfuck
Curious what the outlet was, if you care to share. Hope you heal quickly.
roller blading <3 I was training for an inline skate marathon. :(
Damnit!! I roller skate (not in years, but did derby at one point). That would be so disappointing. I guess you have to really let that heal, too. Sorry about it, and about the sads. Well wishes for quick and solid healing (of both) to you.
Fuck being 26 and confused about careers, romance, your life trajectory and how to carry on in a pandemic. I am smart, talented and capable but everything seems out of my grasp.
If it helps, I am twice your age and feel the same. Fuck that.
Same! It's a large ass boat...
This is both comforting and terrifying but I do appreciate the camaraderie <3
I should echo that Amy Jean is right and it does surely get better mainly cause you know yourself better (and put up with less shit as a result)... but that doesn't mean you won't find yourself in similar situations later down the line. I think in my 20s I thought I would "solve" the big things and get on with my life, but as you get older you realize that certain things are always in play, always in progress... your choice is to grow along with it...
Trying to choose growth here. I wish it wasn't so damn hard.
Hang on tight. Random shit aside, it gets easier and easier. Hated my 20’s, for the most part. 40’s rock 😀 You have a huge advantage in already knowing that you are smart, talented and capable. The rest is just luck, and that will come around in time.
Thank you so much for these bolstering words. People keep telling me it gets better but I’m having a hard time holding on to that.
It gets better. You still have shitty days but you learn to trust yourself. You know you are smart, talented, and capable. Now believe it. Trust yourself.
you are smart, talented, and capable FULL STOP
You’re so sure of me and I’m grateful for that.
I'm sure of you too. And it does get better-- the momentum picks up-- just keep at it
Fuck working through inherited and personal trauma while still trying to maintain an existence during a pandemic and being treated as if you're a psycho by your family for addressing said trauma. Fuck our country's two-party political system. Also fuck the giant hole in my ceiling, the leak that corroded the pipe and rotted the ceiling, and the tenant above who won't answer my landlord's phone calls because he doesn't want to get the leak fixed.
FUUUUUUCK ALL THAT!
Definitely fuck all that.
Dude, FUCK that two-party system. Hope you get that leak fixed, tho
Fuck older male colleagues in academia for swooping in to direct a project that has been in progress for MONTHS that they haven't even bothered to glance at! and for speaking over women in meetings! and for then speaking over the women who try to re-include the previous woman to be spoken over! and for generally speaking to women of color like they're stupid children!
Fuck older male colleagues in academia fill stop.
Fuck older male colleagues full stop.
Fuck older males full stop
Sorry. Also fuck blanket statements about groups of humans
Fuck older male colleagues in academia who swoop in after a manuscript is ready for publication and hit you with a metric fuckton of patronizing bullshit about how they would have done it differently and think you should make major revisions. This isn't fucking peer review, dude. If you don't like it, then don't be on the fucking paper YOU FUCKING FUCK.
Fuck that guy. Don't be on the paper if you don't like it. HE DIDNT WRITE IT. Fuck him. And fuck the journal editors who tell you how they want you to change YOUR research to fit their journal better.
Howling on the Mount:
Fuckèd are the warmakers, for they shall destroy the earth. Fuckèd are those who judge, for we all do it but we don't have to be such dicks about it. Fuckèd are those who drill and frack and burn for millionaire's sake, for theirs is the kingdom of hell, and we're all fucking invited. Fuckèd are the straw men and the trolls, for they distract from what is most vital. Fuckèd are the deniers of science, for they shall dissemble. Fuckèd are those without health care, for they have been well and truly fucked by the Fuckèd who have taken it away. Fuckèd are those who fuck over others before they themselves imagine they will be fucked over. Fuckèd are the selfish shitforbrains who are so used to their privilege that they cannot bear being told "please wear a mask to benefit someone other than yourself" without imagining that they are being persecuted.
Bless you all for your FUCK THIS voices today.
Opposite of fuck this. Bless you for this.
oh man! fuck the lingering veils of others' perception that make it nigh-impossible to feel like a full person. and fuck twice-over the many flavors of fear that distort the pathway out of said veils, this is taking forever~
What I hate is when the lingering motherfucking veils leave AND THEN RETURN. I was free! Fuck you, veils!
Fuck feeling alone even though I can relate to EVERY ONE of these posts. Fuck it.
You are not alone. We are all there with you.
Fuck capitalism and the seed it's planted in my brain from birth that my life belongs to the company I work for and that their profit-growth needs come before me experiencing my own human life.
Fuckkkkk thattttt
Fuck having to cheerfully ghostwrite a blog post today about recent S&P 500 records for a financial advisor who is so nice and decent I can't even be that mad at him...while my lead tab on my own financial spreadsheet is titled "When Will My Money Run Out?" Also, fuck not being hugged since March 11.
Fuck not being hugged. I can't even watch hugging on TV anymore
SAME. Who are these creatures and what are they doing with those paired appendages? They appear to be deriving some kind of comfort or pleasure from that intertwined limb arrangement?
Fuck my stress acne, and also fuck my stupid growing-out hair because I hate it and it makes me feel like a garbage pile even though nothing matters right now and no one cares.
Fuck all the hoops my partner is having to go through to find a new job. He's hardworking AF and deserves everything in life, except when he's being annoying because we're trapped in a box, and then fuck him too.
Also fuck the entire concept of "saving the economy" instead of, I dunno, SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES.
If you have living people, the economy will fucking fix itself. WHY IS THIS COMPLICATED??
Congratulations! You win the Molly award for today! 🏆
Wow this really hit different I felt it
Fuck the person that decided to yell at me the other day. I am working as an enumerator for the Census this year. We're at the point where the census has deployed workers in the field to follow-up with previously non-responsive residents. I am one of those workers. Yes, I have to try to knock on your door, and try the doorbell. No, "no soliciting" signs don't apply to me, since what I'm doing is technically government work. I understand if you don't want to answer the door for me. I will leave a paper notice at your door that indicates how you can still fill out the census online. What I do not understand is what is to be gained by coming out of your house and screaming at me just because I knocked.
Fuck that person and fuck yelling at strangers just because you're all fucked up over the state of things just like the rest of us. WE YELL AT OUR WALLS LIKE REGULAR PEOPLE. FUCK YOU.
I need you to know that this story actually got so much better. Apparently this person is a nut-job of the highest order. He attempted to sell pot to one of his neighbors on his front lawn in front of his toddler children (I'm not opposed to grass, but I live in Texas, where good Christian neighborhoods are manufactured). Neighbor reported him to the local PD and CPS, and put him on blast on the local NextDoor feed. Apparently, he has also been in trouble for stealing alcohol from local grocery stores. Ok, so maybe the story isn't demonstrably better for me or anyone else, but at least his reaction makes more sense now. I also documented my experience so other Census workers don't go to that house. I also train for powerlifting, and I know with absolute certainty that I could have bench pressed him and the look on his face suggested that he knew as well, despite the dumbshit coming out of his mouth, and that does make me feel powerful.
Fuck my boss, that bitch who sent an email at 4:00 and needs info by 4:30 but didn't respond to questions, fuck everyone in IT, fuck the CEO that wants to change the name of the new network that is on all the marketing materials...oh, thank you
Yeah, fuck your boss and fuck her post-lunch corn-chip breath, too.
Oh wait, you probably aren't in the same office. Fuck the memory of her post-lunch corn-chip breath, then.
Him and he puts a smiley face in every.fucking.email.
FUCK HIS SMILEY FACE AND FUCK HIS ACTUAL FACE
yep
Fuck unemployment one year after dragging myself through transferring and graduating from Stanford Shithead University. Fuck Congress on recess. Fuck Congress not on recess. Fuck no stimulus package. Fuck applying to hundreds of jobs and fuck being told to take whatever shitty and/or dangerous one you can get. Fuck the heaviness of it all.
Fuck the fact that I was literally you in the fall of 2008 and not a goddamn fucking thing has changed since then. And fuck the system that makes kids jump through endless hoops to get the "right" degree and then pulls out the rug 30 seconds after we've started the fragile work of becoming more than that. I hope things get better for you.
Fuck the guy who flipped me off after I changed train cars bc he wouldn't put his mask on. I just got up and walked away and later when he got off he came to my window and gave me the bird. I gave doubles back. It made me upset and anxious about covid for the rest of the day.
Fuck that fucking guy. As upset as you were, he walks around upsetting people and flipping people off everywhere he goes. Imagine being *that* fucked! But fuck him!
Yeah fuck that fucking guy.
Fuck that guy
Fuck the little dysmorphic worm in my brain that tells me to bitch about my body to other people, inevitably reinforcing shitty cellulitic monkey brain comparisons, and fuck other people’s worms who do it right back to me.
Fuck this worm army into the ground.
fuck, this is such a good thread for today.
Yes, what is the opposite of "fuck this thread" because that is how I feel.
Fuck living alone a thousand miles from your nearest fam with your mom in treatment for terminal cancer and your siblings working in healthcare so who the fuck knows when anyone is going to get together again before any buckets are kicked. Fuck people that stopped clapping for healthcare workers and gave no fucks about them being omitted from any federal relief or support. Fuck couple-privileged house-owning agoraphobs judging other people trying to have a some kind of human contact or experience. Fuck mask shamers on both sides. Fuck sides. Fuck being worried. Fuck grocery shopping. And fuck flat tires.
Fuck the couple privilege indeed
Fuck the newly booming aesthetic med-spa businesses burning all our cash because we now have to stare at our own fucking faces for three hours a day on Zoom (because fucking everyone turns their cameras on! every day!), and fuck how fast my face fell between 34 and 38 and how all the men I work for get to grow Covid-staches and I'm saving my freelance side-hustle money for someone to stick a needle in my face so I can remain marketable in my field after I (probably!) lose my job. While we're at it, fuck not getting a raise for 3 years because "we don't have the budget") while my emotional-manipulator woke-bro of a boss sails into a newly created position and fat fucking salary for all the work the women under him crushed with fucking cinematic aplomb. Fuck the meds rotting in my guts that don't even touch this toxic brainsoup of rage and utter fucking ennui, and fuck! anti! science! bullies! in! power! seemingly! everywhere!
Fuck the old man who finds an error in my writing (post-pub) but doesn't tell me and instead goes to my boss in a "oohh gotcha" sort of way. My boss isn't even the one who can fix it.
Fuck sad angry old tattletales!
Fuck anybody who snitch tags someone’s boss before letting them know privately first.
Like, you could even tell us both at the same time! My boss told me about it. Fuuuuuck all around.
fuck the passive aggressive "oooohh gotcha"
Fuck the patriarchal elitist writing-error police.
Fuck not really being able to do anything about Breonna Taylor and Elijah McClain because police are too powerful, and then, you know, fuck living in a police state
Fuck my call center job at a big hospital system. Fuck that we barely make a living wage for such an emotionally intense job. Fuck that because of our fucking shit healthcare system, the fact that the hospital is run like a business, insurances that don't cover anything, insane out of pocket costs, the shitty policies of the department, ETC I can't actually help patients like I wish I could. Fuck the management because I don't even need to give a reason. Fuck the CEO who already makes 6mil+ a year and is getting ready to merge the hospital system with two other giant systems, cash out, and retire. And fuck the anxiety I have from having every word I say recorded and every action I take monitored all day every day. FUCK IT ALL THANK YOU
Fuck that intrusive eggshell walking
Omg. Fuck all of that for sure!!
Fuck my school board for reopening in a state with one of the highest infection rates in the nation. Fuck them for forcing teachers back into classrooms, and fuck them for having the nerve to tell us that "we're all in this together." Fuck them for deciding that three feet is enough social distancing because our classrooms are too small. Fuck them for knowing that we're going to have to go remote because the disease is going to run rampant throughout the school, and deciding to reopen anyways, for optics. Fuck them for putting teachers, students, and the community's lives at risk so they can appease the republican goons and get reelected and hold on to the pathetic bit of power they have.
I have old-testament -level rage about this. All the fire and brimstone.
Also, fuck me for being too chickenshit about money and health care to quit.
Fuck being 48 on my next birthday and still believing in fairytales. Fuck the stubbornness which looks like the inability to learn from experience, and isn’t that stupid “definition of insanity” either.
fuck perimenopause. fuck the fact that alcohol seems to suddenly disagree with me, even in small amounts. fuck furloughs.
Have the same issue for same reason... can only tolerate whiskey, but I’m not fancy enough to appreciate it. 😐
omg same with the alcohol... and just when i've discovered the beauty of whisky sours made by my own hand...
Fuck moving to a new country when your 37 and having to start all over again. Fuck applying to a million jobs and getting rejected over and over again. Fuck rejection emails, and fuck their ‘good luck don’t reply to this email’ messages. Fuck them all. This will work for me! I will get a job I enjoy and that makes good money and I will make my move a success.
Fuck people who don’t hear your questions and insist on giving comprehensive, uninterruptible answers to entirely different ones. With your question left outside, a little embarrassed and confused, but also fucked off at the attention this made-up question is receiving. But you try again and they still can’t hear what you’re actually asking so embarrassment no longer an issue and anger is everything. And you’re fucking desperate for the help.
Fuck breakups, fuck prolonged move outs from shared living space, fuck the healing process which doesn’t move fast enough no matter how vital it is, fuck feeling bored in the middle of the day and realizing you have less to do now because you were spending so much fucking time caring about the feelings of some selfish asshole who could fix this if he wanted to but he just doesn’t want to.
YES!!!! The incredible stretches of time and reserves of energy when suddenly you unbuckle the chains (for they were never LOCKED, oh no, you always had a choice, right?) and float up, up, up from the intense pressure of the sea floor into light and air and WHAT I CAN FLOAT AND I COULD ALL THIS TIME? FUCK ALL THAT. I was you in October, muttering "get the fuck out of my house" at every turning. <hug>
I have so many new superpowers and I’m not appreciating any of them properly yet.
Fuck the endoscopy I had to have, fuck the pandemic that means my needle-and-procedure-phobic self sat alone crying for an hour with a needle in my hand, waiting, because I could not have a support person with me. Fuck everyone who has ever told me it is "not a big deal" or "you'll be fine" or "stop being dramatic" or "it could be so much worse" while my brain goes into self destruct mode. Fuck the bruises on my arm. And also, fuck the loved ones who, when I tried to explain what a phobia feels like, tilted their heads and only said "well that makes no sense." No, it doesn't make sense, that is the point, if I could fucking logic my way out of this fucking primal emotional tornado I would have done so fucking years ago. And fuck the WORK that therapy takes, I just want to be fucking not a screaming thrashing panicking rabbit.
fuck immigration laws, deadlines and fucking bureaucracy. fuck passport privilege.
Fuck the way that depression makes you think everything is your fault. Fuck hating yourself. Fuck working too hard. Fuck anyone who takes their inner bullshit out on you. Most of all, fuck the GOP.
Fuck wasting 3 years slaving away at a company only to have them fuck you over. Fuck having to look for a job while still having a fulltime job FUCK THAT.
YES and FUCK using all your fucking vacation days to interview!
Fuck the expectation to have sex with someone you've met only three months ago.
Fuck the people who don't believe demisexuality is a thing.
Fuck those emotionally withholding men with whom it is impossible for me to have a goddamn connection and therefore the possibility of sexual attraction.
Fuck how unappealing the whole of mankind is.
Fuck online dating.
Fuck dating.
Fuck having to have vulnerable conversations when its agonizing but necessary for the sake of your mental health. Fuck communicating any other way but telepathically!
Fuck the cockroach who likes to show up both by the toilet AND in the silverware drawer of my new house.
Lol oh honey the stress! I feel it. Definitely fuck that fucking cockroach, may it fail to survive something soon.
Fuck narcissist choices people make, fuck playing games for unknown outcomes, fuck only getting laid with narcissists FOR YEARS, maaan
Fuck expectations of working mothers. Fuck the minutiae.
Fuck Scandinavian minimalism. Fuck modern architecture. Fuck emptiness. Fuck white. Fuck the smug fucks on their beige-ass blogs who think they can tell me how to decorate my space.
Fuck the people who think it's shallow to talk about the aesthetics of our lived environment.
Fuck the sunlight. Fuck the cloudlight. Fuck that bitch from HR who would always pull the blinds up and trigger my sensory sensitivities.
Fuck the people who don't get it.
Fuck the senior colleague who thought I’d be down to supplement his lame ass relationship at the expense of my dignity. Fuck his girlfriend who worships his flinchy ass and thinks Harry Potter is literature. Fuck the movie star who extorted me into signing a contract because I was broke and female. Fuck this entire economy. Fuck paying six grand in taxes to this sadistic sham of a government. Fuck everything.
Fuck deeply engrained expectations unknowingly passed on between generations that fuck with your personal truth. Fuck the fact that most of us would almost rather die than show some vulnerability towards each other. Fuck the fear that keeps you trapped in your meat prison. Fuck people that shower you with advice and opinions but never take a step back to ask what it is that YOU want. Fuck paying extra for wanting almond milk with my flattie whitie. Fuck it.
Fuck death and fucking soul shattering loss
Fuck the fires that plague (I refuse to apologize for this pun) California and put so many people even more at risk. Fuck the corporations and politicians who don’t see this as their own problem and their own doing. Fuck climate crisis deniers.
Fuck old bosses who treated you like shit and stared blankly as you had a panic attack. Fuck the lingering feelings, after you've left that shitpile for a great new job, that you're still not good enough or smart enough. Or smart at all. Fuck anxiety over whether you'll have to fight with family at events because you believe masks are helpful. Fuck hating the sight of your own four walls after FIVE MONTHS in this. Fuck the inability to take a breath and relax before the realization sets in that nope, the old way of living is probably in the garbage. Fuck COVID and how it's ruined everything. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
Hell yes. Fuck imposter syndrome and related anxiety and fuck all the nonsense that comes with it.