I had little guy parents and grandparents, and have a little guy voice in my head. Lots of therapy around that little guy. It helps. So did this piece. So good!
I worry a little that my daughters are starting to think that *all* guys are little guys. But I keep taking pains to explain to them that there are many many guys who are not little at all, it's just that tv shows - dramas, reality tv, comedies, most of it - feature a shit ton of little guys. And also boys make very LITTLE GUY sounds for years, parroting their little guy Daddies and little guy culture at large. And of course college is a maze of little guys. But still! Not all guys are little!
College seems like a *total* maze of little guys, but I feel like my daughters' dad (my ex) was *not* one so that modeling might help them to spot some *not* LITTLE GUYS as they grow? TV is rife with them b/c it's lazy writing and easy acting, but the last show I worked on has a *not* LITTLE GUY lead who is risky and complicated and not toxic. I just hope the bosses will let us take the necessary risks with him.
I need to post this somewhere and share because I do and the dude I want to e-mail it to doesn't deserve it and is or at least very much acting like a little guy
Hi ______,
I regret thanking you for your "thoughtful" response. Your response was confusing and hurtful. Your behavior of the last few weeks was confusing and hurtful. It is not OK that I had to request clarity from you and get a non-apology of "I'm sorry you felt that way" and then an equally vague and confusing "maybe it's not the right time" via text. I would have appreciated a more up front approach from you versus an emphasis on seduction and innuendo, e.g. playing an Ed Sheeran song about long-term love the morning after we had slept together actually and metaphorically and then you go on to not follow-up with me and ignore a sweet text from me the next night.
A more respectful response would be to step up or, if that's not possible, OK, just tell me sooner rather than later that I'm great or whatever, you're looking for something else or whatever, and wish me well and we move on. We could still have had amazing sex and you could have still played the cheesy Ed Sheeran song and I would be sad and mad but it would be better than feeling not just sad and mad but also a little used and wondering how long you were going to try to pull that shit and if any of what I thought we were sharing was actually all that meaningful to you or just a form of masturbation. Don't play that way. Don't wait for the sharp as a tack woman you're dating to parse it and reach out to you. We're both in our late 30s. No one has time for that and if I liked myself less I'd think I did something wrong in not seeing through you sooner.
Thank you for your past and present service to this country; thank you for sharing the visit to the RBG memorial with me. I did not think our political differences were a problem but rather I appreciated meeting you and remembering some of my own values and how much I'd hate to fall into a kind of group think that gets many academics hot, bothered, and otherwise smug in the knowledge that they alone understand the complexities of the universe and anyone who says otherwise is Jordan Peterson or Trump or the like. Even if we didn't always agree, I have respect for you and I thought you have an enviable job and experiences and perspectives on the globe. Anyway I thought we agreed on what mattered and had a similar take on the state of the world.
So be well and please do better. You don't have to be perfect; just be good. I saw that sweet guy a few times and thought he was someone I really wanted to get to know. He's also the person I want to hear what I'm trying to say because I think he's capable of doing way better and he's a guy I thought I was capable of receiving what I gave--myself and my time. I'm fortunate that I grew up with flawed but still very good men in my family and general experience. I still have faith in men in spite of how many behave the way you behaved these last few weeks and I think you are better than your callous behavior.
If you wish to show some real care you will either ignore this e-mail entirely because you realize that I needed to write and send it to feel better right now or better yet, you'd respond with a real apology. A simple "I'm sorry" in the medium of your choice would more than suffice.
I'm sorry for what you're going through! Unfortunately, little guys don't enjoy learning new things or facing themselves or apologizing. Look for the curious ones instead! xo
i love this, but what makes me angry / keeps me involved is that OTHER PEOPLE listen to little guys. how are you supposed to deal when the little guys are dominating the conversation in the media / online?
!!! “ They’re bolts rolling around in an empty drawer.” PERFECT dismissal. And description. And short-cut brain reminder to let them just rattle on alone when we run into one.
I had little guy parents and grandparents, and have a little guy voice in my head. Lots of therapy around that little guy. It helps. So did this piece. So good!
Once again, about halfway through this refreshing screed, I started reading it aloud. Cathartic doesn't begin to describe the experience.
I want this to be a manifesto for my twentysomething daughters, both staring around at a world replete with little guys.
I worry a little that my daughters are starting to think that *all* guys are little guys. But I keep taking pains to explain to them that there are many many guys who are not little at all, it's just that tv shows - dramas, reality tv, comedies, most of it - feature a shit ton of little guys. And also boys make very LITTLE GUY sounds for years, parroting their little guy Daddies and little guy culture at large. And of course college is a maze of little guys. But still! Not all guys are little!
College seems like a *total* maze of little guys, but I feel like my daughters' dad (my ex) was *not* one so that modeling might help them to spot some *not* LITTLE GUYS as they grow? TV is rife with them b/c it's lazy writing and easy acting, but the last show I worked on has a *not* LITTLE GUY lead who is risky and complicated and not toxic. I just hope the bosses will let us take the necessary risks with him.
I need to post this somewhere and share because I do and the dude I want to e-mail it to doesn't deserve it and is or at least very much acting like a little guy
Hi ______,
I regret thanking you for your "thoughtful" response. Your response was confusing and hurtful. Your behavior of the last few weeks was confusing and hurtful. It is not OK that I had to request clarity from you and get a non-apology of "I'm sorry you felt that way" and then an equally vague and confusing "maybe it's not the right time" via text. I would have appreciated a more up front approach from you versus an emphasis on seduction and innuendo, e.g. playing an Ed Sheeran song about long-term love the morning after we had slept together actually and metaphorically and then you go on to not follow-up with me and ignore a sweet text from me the next night.
A more respectful response would be to step up or, if that's not possible, OK, just tell me sooner rather than later that I'm great or whatever, you're looking for something else or whatever, and wish me well and we move on. We could still have had amazing sex and you could have still played the cheesy Ed Sheeran song and I would be sad and mad but it would be better than feeling not just sad and mad but also a little used and wondering how long you were going to try to pull that shit and if any of what I thought we were sharing was actually all that meaningful to you or just a form of masturbation. Don't play that way. Don't wait for the sharp as a tack woman you're dating to parse it and reach out to you. We're both in our late 30s. No one has time for that and if I liked myself less I'd think I did something wrong in not seeing through you sooner.
Thank you for your past and present service to this country; thank you for sharing the visit to the RBG memorial with me. I did not think our political differences were a problem but rather I appreciated meeting you and remembering some of my own values and how much I'd hate to fall into a kind of group think that gets many academics hot, bothered, and otherwise smug in the knowledge that they alone understand the complexities of the universe and anyone who says otherwise is Jordan Peterson or Trump or the like. Even if we didn't always agree, I have respect for you and I thought you have an enviable job and experiences and perspectives on the globe. Anyway I thought we agreed on what mattered and had a similar take on the state of the world.
So be well and please do better. You don't have to be perfect; just be good. I saw that sweet guy a few times and thought he was someone I really wanted to get to know. He's also the person I want to hear what I'm trying to say because I think he's capable of doing way better and he's a guy I thought I was capable of receiving what I gave--myself and my time. I'm fortunate that I grew up with flawed but still very good men in my family and general experience. I still have faith in men in spite of how many behave the way you behaved these last few weeks and I think you are better than your callous behavior.
If you wish to show some real care you will either ignore this e-mail entirely because you realize that I needed to write and send it to feel better right now or better yet, you'd respond with a real apology. A simple "I'm sorry" in the medium of your choice would more than suffice.
best wishes,
Shana
I'm sorry for what you're going through! Unfortunately, little guys don't enjoy learning new things or facing themselves or apologizing. Look for the curious ones instead! xo
Thank you! I will ♥️♥️♥️
i love this, but what makes me angry / keeps me involved is that OTHER PEOPLE listen to little guys. how are you supposed to deal when the little guys are dominating the conversation in the media / online?
LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!! I HAD to put it in CAPS!!! Perfect timing for me to have read this!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
!!! “ They’re bolts rolling around in an empty drawer.” PERFECT dismissal. And description. And short-cut brain reminder to let them just rattle on alone when we run into one.
This is brilliant!!